Saturday, December 31, 2011

My Top Ten Wishes For Tennis in 2012

It’s that time of year isn’t it? The time when all over the world people join in mass delusion over our ability to control things. At this time many of us engage in studious list making about things we would like to accomplish in the coming year.  Weight loss, I am thrilled to say, is no longer on my list. Whoopee! But of course improving my tennis fitness remains a perennial goal.

This year I would also like to propose a list of the things I would like to see happen in the world of professional tennis in 2012. And I am inviting you to share with me the things that you would like to see happen as well.  There is no rank order to my list. I write them as they occur to me.

1.     I’d like Petkovic to stop dancing in 2012. And if she won’t stop dancing – which she probably won’t – then I’d like her to at least take some damn lessons so that she can do it properly and stop embarrassing herself. I know that in some parts of the world shaking your ass might pass for dancing. But where I come from dancing is so much more than shaking your ass for the camera. I really wish she would stop doing it.
2.     In the New Year, I’d also like Donald Young to continue to stay off Twitter. Social media is not meant for everyone. Twitter in particular is perfect for people with emotional self-control and a great sense of humor. Donald Young and Chris Brown, among others, need not apply.
3.     My third wish for the New Year is for Serena Williams to dial down the drama. I can’t take anymore. It’s becoming exhausting dealing with the detritus of her emotional explosions. I say this completely with love.
4.     Speaking of Serena, my next wish is for the USTA to stop developing rules based on the behavior of a single player. If it’s illegal to scream after hitting a winner, then no one should be allowed to do it. Just saying.
5.     Tennis Wish #5 is for Federer to win another Slam. I don’t care which one but Australia would be nice. I’d like him to start the year strong, keeping up the momentum with which he ended 2011.
6.     My sixth wish is for Milos Raonic to remain strong and healthy and to continue to deliver on the promise he showed in 2011. I love that dude. I think he’s the future.
7.     I’d also like for some of the young Americans to step up and show the world that American tennis is far from dead. And I’d really like it if the guys with promise – like maybe Jack Sock and Ryan Sweeting – would please realize that patterning your game after Andy Roddick’s is a recipe for failure. Please, I’m begging. There are so many other better players whose games they could emulate. Why copy a dude whose backhand never graduated from kindergarten?
8.     In 2012 I would love it if women tennis players found a better balance between their desire to be sexy and the importance of wearing practical clothing in which to play their best tennis. Nuff said.
9.     My ninth wish is for tennis commentators to shut the hell up and let viewers watch tennis matches without so much rambling and ad nauseam commentary.  Trust me dudes and chicas, you are all massively annoying. You’re so annoying that I would rather listen to Mexican commentators shouting “Goooooooooal!!!!” at the top of their lungs while vuvuzelas contribute to the chaos of noise in the background. Yes even that is less annoying than most tennis commentators. If you want to know how to do the job well, find any old match commentated on by the retired John Barrett. That is how commentary is done.
10. My last wish involves that Asian lineswoman whose career has clearly blossomed ever since her showdown with Serena. I’d like for someone in the WTA to please help me understand how it is that this woman has suddenly started showing up at events all over the world. And if her eyes are that keen that tournaments are suddenly begging for her services the world over, then the ITF should consider getting rid of hawk-eye and just hire her to work at every damn tournament. Because clearly hawk-eye technology is apparently still too costly to be featured at all tournaments. So let’s just get to cloning those special pair of Asian eyes. Too much?

Now it’s your turn to tell me your tennis wishes for the New Year. I’d like you to post at least three tennis wishes. Whoever posts the best ones get a free T-shirt featuring the logo.

And thanks as ever for reading my blog. I very much appreciate your visits and comments. And I wish you all good health, enough wealth, and plenty of great tennis in the New Year.


Karen said...

my first wish is for my Queen Vee to get healthy enough to play Wimbledon in the summer and the Olympics at Wimbledon.

For Roger to win an Olympic gold medal in singles

An end to the constant discussion about grunting in women's tennis. If you want a silent sport, silence everyone.

It has been a joy to read your blog this year and I am truly thankful that I did discover your blog when I did. I hope that this year has been good to you and yours and my wish for you is that you have a wonderful and prosperous New Year.

Anonymous said...

My wishes:
1. An end to shrieking. Exhalation sounds are all right.
2. Elimination of tiebreakers.
3. Players should not be able to delay play or take breaks until a game is completed, unless a clearly serious injury has occurred.
4. MRI scans and medical examination should be administered immediately following a match in which a player claims to be injured. Too many players use 'injuries' as gamesmanship.