Sunday, March 27, 2011

How dare you Pablo Cuevas?

I mean really, where the heck do you get off señor? Don’t you know who he is? Don’t you know that Andy Roddick is the top tennis player in the USA, a Grand Slam champion, and a former #1 in the whole world? Didn’t you know that he was the defending champion in Miami, with 1000 points on the line? And just like that, without even breaking a decent sweat, you go and beat him? How dare you Pablo Cuevas?

Did no one tell you that this is a man who is married to a world-famous Sports Illustrated model and actress who recently did a movie with Jennifer Aniston – the one where she had to humiliate herself and pretend to be in love with ugly-assed Adam Sandler who was pretending to be married to Aniston all so he could attract the attention of the hotness that is Brooklyn Decker? And did you happen to catch the Duck’s cameo at the end of the movie where he appears as his wife’s new lover? Yes Pablo Cuevas, the man you beat is a world famous actor too! You should have been begging for his autograph, not beating him!

Also, did no one tell you that Duckboy goes home every day to one of the hottest women on the planet? And blonde! With boxes of hair! (Well it used to be boxes but she recently cut it to lighten the load on her brain.) But whom do you go home to Pablo Cuevas? What makes you so damn important that you think you can come into the Duck’s own country, into his own damn tournament, and defeat him on a hard-court? I mean really, where do you get off?

And her breasts! I forgot all about her breasts. That’s what she’s famous for you know. And Roddick is the man who gets to touch those titties on a legal basis. Whose titties do you get to touch Pablo Cuevas? And if you get to touch any titties at all, which I doubt, do you get to touch them for free or is that a paid service that your new earnings will now help to cover? Because really Pablo Cuevas, no matter whose titties you get to touch – paid or unpaid – none will come close to the tittles caressed by the hands of Roddick. So how dare you have the nerve to beat him? And in straight sets too!

Did no one tell you that he was ill? And just to prove it, he had a medical time-out in the second round. And then he coughed on that reporter’s cell phone in the post-match interview. Just hacked and coughed all over it, sending out droplets of his infection into the world. We should all be lucky to get infected. He should have coughed on you at the net, that’s what he should have done.

But no, being a true gentleman, he reserved his hacking and coughing for that poor woman journalist who will probably have to buy a new cellphone. So how dare you Pablo Cuevas count this as a real win when your opponent was so sick he could barely work up the energy to be sarcastic in the post-match interview? Clearly he was a very sick man.

You know it was bad enough when he lost to Gasquet last week in Indian Wells. But at least everybody knows of Gasquet, thanks to the cocaine infusion that entered his blood stream via an innocent tongue kiss, allegedly with a woman. But who is Pablo Cuevas? No one knows of you coño.

OK so you happen to be the best player in Uruguay. Ha ha ha. Guess what dude, most Americans don’t even know where Uruguay is on the map! Come to think of it, most don’t even know how to pronounce the word Uruguay. And speaking of Uruguay, why the heck aren’t you playing soccer anyway? Isn’t that the sport of choice in your country? Who died and made you rey de tenis?

Furthermore, tell me Pablo Cuevas, how many tennis tournaments have you won, even in Uruguay? That’s right, NONE. Well I see you have a few lousy doubles wins but so does Roddick. But do you know how many singles trophies the Duck has collected? 30! And that’s not even counting Davis Cup. So where do you get off, you unknown journeyman, coming into Miami with your calm attitude and your big serve and your down-the-line backhand passes to destroy the mighty Duck? I mean really, how dare you?

And do you know that the Duck has the best coach in the world? A man who has brought other players to the top of the rankings and kept them there. And what has he accomplished with the Duck? Well, he did almost beat Federer at Wimbledon. But don’t change the topic. This is about your coach versus the Duck’s. Who is this Daniel Orsanic – just another dirt-baller with a bunch of clay doubles titles. That doesn’t compare to the greatness that is Larry Stefanki. So again I ask you, Pablo Cuevas, how dare you!?


Anonymous said...

lol, funny. how dare he indeed! lol!!!

SSD said...

just ran across your blog. love the irreverence! this is a great blog.