Thursday, December 30, 2010

On Wertheim’s lame predictions

I’ve said before that I want Jon Wertheim’s job. It’s not the first time I’ve told a man that I wanted his job. The last time I said it the man’s jaw dropped in shock. I wasn’t being rude; I was just expressing my feelings. After making the statement, I moved on and started building my own successful practice. But perhaps because of the shock of my frank honesty, when he needed to go on sabbatical a year later, he contacted me and offered me the post. I ended up doing such a great job that the university found a way to keep me on after he returned. And he and I worked beautifully together.

This is by way of saying that yes, I am a competitive biyatch. But I am not underhanded. I did nothing deceitful in my dealings with this man. I told him honestly that I wanted his job but I never ever did a thing to try to get it. In the end he respected me enough not only to offer me the post temporarily but to welcome me as a partner upon his return. Now that’s what you call a secure man.

So about my wanting Jon Wertheim’s job. I would welcome the opportunity to tell him this to his face. I think that Sports Illustrated is way too white and too male. And in all the years he has written for them, Wertheim has not done enough to garner the level of respect that tennis deserves. We need some women up in there, preferably women of color, equipped with clout and mouth.

Perhaps I’m being hard on Jon Wertheim. And probably ungrateful because he is clearly a true fan of tennis. For that I apologize. But I still want his job. I remembered this as I read his recent bullshit column with predictions for Tennis 2011. What a list of safe, lame, non-threatening crap, I thought. Yes, I get that SI don’t want a lawsuit on their hands by any outlandish predictions. But really did he have to be such a wimp? After reading his lame-assed list I wanted to call him up and say, “Dude, go brave or go home”. (Of course truth be told if I had his number I would probably only say “Dude, I want your job”).Here is a summary of Wertheim’s insipid predictions for Tennis 2011:
  1. Someone other than Fed and Rafa will win a Slam. Duh.
  2. Tennis will be rocked by a match-fixing scandal. Er…tennis has already faced match-fixing allegations.
  3. The Williams will continue winning despite injuries and no interest in tennis. Duh, already happened. 
  4. Another Old Fart (like Kimiko Date) will return to dominate. Say something original.
  5.  Other Old Farts (like Kim Clijsters) will win matches. See above.
  6. Tennis Channel should hire Mary Carillo. Say that they WILL and it becomes a prediction.
  7. Slams will have electric mid-week matches and dull finals. Was he not watching tennis in 2010?
  8. Russia will continue to decline. Er…that is not news.
  9. Tennis will have to do something about illegal mid-match coaching. Agreed, but that is like saying that the US Open will get a roof.
  10. Tennis will continue to expand in non-US markets. Already happening dude, including in China and Asia. If SI was less white and male you might know this.
  11.  No matches will last as long as the pointless one between Isner and Mahut. (OK, 'pointless' is my word not his).
No offense to Wertheim but that is one lame set of predictions. Or maybe he doesn’t understand what a prediction is. A prediction is when you boldly state what is going to happen, with such definitiveness and certitude that folks look at you bug-eyed. Like that bizarre psychic woman inhaling the electric cigarette on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Did you watch that insane crapisode of utter dinner hell a couple of weeks ago? If you didn’t, let me fill you in.

Camille Grammer, soon to be the former plastic wife of Kelsey Grammer – most famous for playing the role of Frasier, a neurotic psychiatrist on my favorite show of all time – said Camille Grammer got into an insane fight with another housewife named Kyle, who is married to a gorgeous hunk of a man named Mauricio who apparently is the Grammers’ real estate agent. Camille felt that Kyle had snubbed her for being a nobody who only got a name for herself after marrying Frasier. I mean Kelsey. So Camille invited some friends, to include a psychic, over for dinner. Things soon spiraled into a passive-aggressive showdown with Kyle.

While smoking furiously on her electric cigarette and drinking like booze was going out of style, the psychic – or was she a medium? – started making some bold predictions. She said that she knew when Kyle would die and what would happen to her family. Kyle’s husband would never fulfill her and her marriage would fall apart after the kids grew up.

Now that is what I call a prediction. And since Wertheim did not have the courage to really predict anything, I thought that I would fill in for him. Hang on a sec while I pour a shot of tequila. True predicting is a drunken art.

(Part 1 of 3)

Woman holding crystal ball


Dean Daggett said...

Nobody predicted Kvitova's success in print until 2011. Why? Nobody seems to understand stroke production and nobody took notice of the way that Kvitova destroyed top-level early as 2008, when she beat Venus Williams. When Kvitova is on, she is the finest ball striker whom we have ever seen in the women's game. It should have been a no-brainer to predict her success.

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