Sunday, June 2, 2013

A bunch of Old Farts make it into Week Two

I’m sorry but I couldn’t think of a better title. Maybe it’s because I have always been a supporter of Old Farts in tennis. My very first tennis love was an Italian named Gianluca Pozzi. I’m probably the only person outside of Italy who remembers him. Gianluca once won my heart in a five-setter against Marat Safin and I have never looked forward since. I’ve remained addicted to looking back.

For purposes of tennis only, an Old Fart is any player older than 30. Yes by non-tennis standards that is grossly unfair. Go talk to the ACLU. In the meantime, I am throwing a merlot party for the abundance of Old Farts who have made it into Week Two of the 2013 Roland Garros. The number seems unprecedented to me.

For a start, there is my darling Federer. He almost gave me a heart attack today when it looked for a minute like the non-weaponed Gilles Simon might beat him. The only good thing that came out of that match was that I finally gained insight into why I cannot stand Gilles Simon. For the first time I understand why I refer to him in my thoughts
as a ‘rat-faced weasel’. Ouch.

My dislike has nothing to do with his rodent-like qualities, though these are clearly evident. Truth is I dislike Simon because I have no clue why he is able to challenge and sometimes beat, my darling Federer. I do not understand why the rat-faced weasel poses such a threat to my GOAT. I do not get why the RFW is so able to undermine Federer’s GOAT-ness at every opportunity. It is to cry.

And then there is sweet Tommy Haas. What a match! On the one hand, it was a typical, prolonged, boring Isner special. On the other hand, Mr. Haas, at 35, showed that pipsqueak what Big Man Tennis really looks like. The far younger Isner did not dare sit down for fear of cramping. Wuss.

Don’t get me wrong, I would have enjoyed that match so much more if either man had wrapped it up in under three hours. But Isner was there so of course the damn match had to drag on and on. What a pointless legacy!

Other Old Farts on the men’s draw include Youzhny and Ferrer, both of whom will be facing Old Farts in the next round. This is good news for Old Fart Federer. No complaints here!

But the Old Farts are thankfully not all male. Let’s talk for a minute about Francesca Schiavone, former French champion. At almost 33, she will be taking on Victoria Azarenka who, for reasons unclear to me, continues to date a man that any self-respecting woman would be ashamed to be seen with in public. I have no problem with a secret hook-up, but dude seems way too old to still be wearing glasses without lenses. That hipster trend is so 2011. Vika, please.

And then there is Svetlana Kuznetsova, who will be facing that other Old Fart, Serena Williams, in the quarterfinals. In any other match-up, Sveta would have had my support. I love her. I think she is beyond talented, if only she could find a way to maintain focus and fitness. But, come next week, Serena has my permission to crush her. 

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