When I heard that El Flaco (Mike Greenberg of ESPN’s Mike & Mike), was going to team up with Chris Evert to try to qualify for the US Open, my immediate thought was: Did anyone remember to tell Mrs. Flaco that her husband might be taking a huge risk? After all, his partner was a woman not well known for respecting boundaries when it came to her dealings with other people’s husbands.
I don’t know the woman personally, but surely anyone who is willing to spend her life with the annoyance that is El Flaco is fully deserving of my concern? Besides, El Flaquito must surely have some wonderful qualities to which only Mrs. Flaco may be privy. Maybe he even puts those fat lips of his to some good use – other than annoyingly flapping them every morning on ESPN – hey, you never know. And Mrs. Flaco is surely entitled to keep hold of possibly the only fat feature on El Flaco’s body?
So it was with trepidation that I watched the online clips of this match. It was not featured on the Tennis Channel as far as I am aware. Bummer. And I discovered that Greeney totally sucked as a tennis player. His partner (El Gordo) can eat professionally a hundred times better than El Flaco can play tennis.
And it may be fair to accuse me of not having gotten over the way El Gordo y El Flaco both dissed Federer last year. Pissed me off so much I wrote about it at the time. So yes, I watched those clips with biased eyes.
And I was having a good time pointing and hooting, until the moment El Flaco hit Chrissy smack on her butt with a tennis ball. He was trying to return a cross-court shot, and next thing you know he was pinging Chrissy’s butt. She stopped play to laugh, so clearly she wasn’t very hurt. But my concern for Mrs. Flaco immediately deepened. Was that really an accidental shot or was El Flaco trying to get the ball to do what his hands couldn’t?
My worry reached its zenith when I listened to their post non-match interview. Here is a verbatim quote of their discussion of El Flaco’s feelings about his tennis partner:
El Flaco: (referring to Chrissy) The first woman I ever loved and I say that with uh…with uh…
La Infiel: With your wife sitting right there…
El Flaco: With my wife sitting right over there.
Hello? Did I hear right that El Flaco was telling the world that Chris Evert is the first woman he ever loved? ¡Escándalo! See, I knew I was right to be worried for Mrs. Flaco! If I were her I would ban all future meetings between her husband and Chrissy’s butt. I don’t trust that butt at all. It has already proven itself to be highly potent and lethal.
In hindsight I have wondered what exactly was the real deal behind this entire piece of stupidness. Because the simple truth is that El Flaco cannot play tennis. No really, he truly sucked. I don’t care how much he flapped his gums both before and after the so-called match. Dude does not have a clue what to do on a tennis court. He was honestly an embarrassment. Don’t take my word for it. Watch the clips. Their opponents weren’t even trying to beat them. There was no need to try.
And if Chris Evert was serious about trying to qualify for the US Open, surely there are a ton of other qualified tennis players with whom she could have linked up? Why El Flaco? Was there an underlying agenda that Mrs. Flaco should be worried about? Is La Infiel setting up her next victim? Time will tell, no? In the meantime, I keep having this urge to do a Whoopi and say: Mrs. Flaco, you in danger girl.