As promised, here are the rest of my tequila-infused predictions for tennis in the New Year. If even one of these turn out to be right, I will consider making it an annual event on this blog. Come to think of it, I might do that anyway. Just for a laugh of course.
- Mirka will discover that Federer has been secretly hiding three whores up in the attic. Turns out the women have been living up there for most of the past year. The whores will make the talk show rounds and will weep and cry and claim that Federer said that he loved them and promised to make their relationship permanent. Mirka will do better than Erin in the divorce.
- After learning of Kiefer’s retirement, Dustin Brown will give up his bid to be adopted by Britain and will instead offer himself to Germany, reminding them that he was actually born there. The Germans will have a good belly laugh.
- Kei Nishikori will fire Brad Gilbert half way through 2011. He will get fed up of hearing Gilbert drone on and on about nothing. Unfortunately for him, long after going their separate ways, he will continue to hear Brad’s voice ringing in his ears. This will cause him to have a brief nervous breakdown. The Taiwanese animation folks will capture the whole thing on video.
- Inspired by Kimiko Date and Kim Clijsters, Lindsay Davenport will make a well-publicized return to tennis. Unfortunately she will get beaten in the first round of every tournament. She will get pregnant again as a face-saving maneuver and retire permanently.
- Brooke Shield’s tell-all about Andre Agassi will reveal many claims that we always suspected – that he went through a phase of bi-sexuality, that he was blackmailed for years by a former coach who had pictures, and that he had a secret love child with Barbara Streisand. Unfortunately for Brooke no one will believe a word of it and the book will tank.
- An angry transvestite will sue Serena Williams for a ghastly nail infection she/he acquired at one of Serena’s nail salons. The person will go on TV and claim trauma and stress from the manicure-from-hell experience. Serena will settle out of court for $100. and free pedicures for life.
- Tennis Channel will give Jennifer Capriati a job as a commentator. Unfortunately no one will understand a word she says half the time. I have no idea why.
- Venus Williams will start a new fashion collection called TwelVe that will focus on sexy tennis clothing for tweens, kids, and toddlers in tiaras. Unfortunately for Venus, that collection will sell about as well as EleVen.
- Martina Hingis will marry a rich Argentine gaucho. After moving to Patagonia she will discover that she is only one of many sister wives in his secret harem. In a daring escape, she and two of the Sister Wives flee Patagonia and escape to Europe. Their story is featured in a ripped-from-the-headlines episode of Law and Order LA. Everyone will end up feeling so sorry for Hingis that the tennis world will finally give her a second chance. She will stun everyone by winning the French Open.
- Sports Illustrated will contact the tennischick and offer her Jon Wertheim’s job.
Happy New Year everyone. All jokes about drinking aside, be safe and stay sober. We want you around in the New Year, resolving to stay positive, enjoy a good laugh from time to time, and continuing to play sweet sweet tennis.
(Part 3 of 3)